Classes

     Classes start tomorrow. I'm not quite ready for break to be over. Because if break is over Cliff is really gone... And there's no chance of him being here until who knows when. I realize that he's been gone since the third, when I dropped him off at the airport... But Christmas break was so closely interlinked with Cliff being home that it hasn't been real until now. Its been like I could turn a corner and he would be standing there, waiting for me. Wondering why I hadn't turned that corner yet. He felt just out of sight. Just out of reach. Now he feels gone. I bought a heating pad to take to bed tonight. The finality of that is hard to overlook. I miss him. More than last time. More and less. I miss his presence more. I miss his smile, his laugh, the way he felt next to me. But I'm not fearful that our goodbye was our last kiss or our lass hug. I'm not afraid that the distance will break us. I just don't want to be apart from him. I don't want to feel like I'm walking around missing half of me because he's gone. I haven't even heard from him. I'm hoping for a letter tomorrow. 

Gone Again

So Cliff is gone again. He left yesterday, my 22nd birthday. Happy birthday to me. As much as that sucks I have absolutely amazing family and friends who really have been instrumental in helping me with this. I came to my aunt Stacey's house from the airport yesterday. She make me chocolate chip pancakes and took me out to dinner and even got me a gift!!! I got a gorgeous purse, a really funny cup, a hilarious book, and fridge magnets! How is that not awesome? And I kept getting calls from family wishing me a happy birthday. So while the beginning of my birthday was really crappy it turned out really well.

Oh! As for Cliff leaving, it has been so much easier and worse this time. Last time he left we were in a really bad place relationship wise and I didn't know if we would make it through the separation. This time we are so much stronger and more secure in our relationship that I'm not at all worried about the separation. But I miss him so much more this time. It's crazy. I'm crazy. I guess we're both crazy to be going through this. Maybe crazy works for us. Either way I'm so happy with him and I cannot wait to see him again. I really should have blogged while he was home. He did amazing things for my birthday and for Christmas!!! I'll have to catch everyone up on them. Next post. I promise!

HE IS HOME!!!

     I am so excited! he is just as handsome as I remember!!! And just as funny! And just as sweet! And I am so nervous.... I don't know what to say... I feel like I'm 14 again and he is my first crush. Incidentally my first crush was a boy a year older than me who tended to work in the theater's set design department, wear leather jackets, and smoke clove cigarettes. I had a major crush on him for four years.... Back to Cliff... He is amazing. I can't believe he is actually home!!! And what do i do with myself now?!!? 

Coming Home

     As most of you know Cliff will be coming home on Monday. I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless actually. I'm painting my toenails because its pretty much the only thing about me that looks girly. I bite my fingernails far too badly to try and paint them. I'm chubby, my hair has gotten a little long and my roots have started to grow out. I haven't had time to work out so I haven't lost any weight since he left. I wanted to do so many things while he was gone. I wanted to impress him with how I looked when he got back. 


     Well, it looks like he'll be sadly disappointed with my progress. Or... I am sadly disappointed with my progress. He has never once said anything about me other than the fact that he thinks I'm gorgeous and he has troubles keeping his hands off me. So maybe I am being silly. Maybe I am being more than silly. I don't know! I just don't know anymore... I'm all sorts of worried that he's going to see me waiting in the airport and finally see all of the flaws that I see in myself and go "So.. I'm going to spend the Holidays at X instead of with you. It was fun, but I'm definitely over this." I'm pretty positive I would just kinda burst into tears then and not stop for hours..... 


     I've been cleaning the house all day, it looks pretty fantastic. Well, the front of it does. I still need to tackle my bedroom and the bathroom. Other than that, I've picked up and neatened things. Put things away. Organizing goes a long way considering I haven't been home to do more than eat and sleep in the past... two months. So other than scrubbing the bathroom and vacuuming my room the house is done. Which would be nicer, but now I have two more days to fill with things... And I can only waste so much time. I mean, I could study for finals, and I will be doing some of that tomorrow, but I feel like I'm going to go crazy before Monday night. 


     Seriously though, I'm going to be standing in the airport like an eager puppy and he's going to blow right past me. I just know it. I'm freaking out. 

ALL OF THE THINGS!!!

     I HAVE DONE ALL OF THE THINGS!!!!!! I had a list of things that needed accomplished by today for the entire week and they have ALL BEEN ACCOMPLISHED!!! I am amazing. I am so cool! I am super productive and I am an excellent cuddler. No, that last one has nothing to do with my list, but its true so I figured I would put it out there. 


     So this post is mostly just a "Yay for being productive" post. Actually.... Oh! No! One more thing! I GET TO PICK CLIFF UP ON MONDAY! That's right! I get snuggles ALL MONDAY NIGHT!!! *does the happy cuddle dance* And now that I've posted this I'm going to get a call Monday saying the Army has changed things and he's not coming at all... But! I can be hopeful that things will actually work out and I get my boyfriend back!! 


     Yep! That was it for tonight! 

Beauty and the Beast

     Beauty and the Beast has always been my favorite Disney movie. Its absolutely amazing and I've always wanted to be exactly like Belle. Evidently it was the first movie I ever saw in theaters and I sat through the whole thing. I can't say that I'm surprised. 


     Cliff bought my copy of the movie for me. We were shopping in... Costco? I have no idea what we were even there for. Bulk, obviously. Possibly seafood. I don't know, either way we were browsing in Costco and I saw that It was out for sale again. And I never splurge for myself. Not on things like this. Especially considering how expensive Disney movies tend to be. This is the nice, new two disc edition. I remember being so excited when he picked it up. He said he couldn't not get it after seeing my face. We watched it that night. I think we came home and turned it on immediately! I sat through the whole thing exactly like the first time. Something about it is magical. He laughed at me the whole time. I can quote the whole thing. 


     The way Belle is caring, kind, sweet, charming, and guileless is endearing. I wish I was more like that. More innocent and filled with wonder. Maybe I'm just longing for my childhood. I've got it on tonight because I finally finished my ANG project and I desperately needed a break. I also have tea brewing! The only thing that could make this better is cuddles. It looks like cuddles will have to wait until Monday. 

Sleeping

     I find that I'll get tired around 10 pm. I definitely have a bed-time! I wake up around 6 most days and going to bed around 10 gives me a nice 8 hours of sleep. I love sleeping. I don't love sleeping alone. I've finally figured out why my sleep schedule has been so strange recently. I'm going to bed alone. Its quiet and cold and dark. There is no reassuring touch, no warm snuggles, no breathing right next to me. I'm alone. Its so difficult to sleep now. Falling asleep is especially hard. I'll toss and turn, trying to get comfortable for hours sometimes. Waking up in the middle of the night to a silent, empty room is very disorienting. Waking up from a nightmare alone? Kinda terrible. Very terrible... 


     Its also not helping that I've discovered "Long Distance" by Bruno Mars Click Me to Listen! As if I wasn't aware of how alone I am, there is a song to detail what I'm going through. And its sung by the gorgeously talented Bruno Mars. I swear, I would date him just to have him sing to me on a daily basis. All I can think to myself is "Yes Bruno Mars, please sing to me about just how lonely and depressed I am. Thanks. If it wasn't bad enough before now I feel like a failure because I whine about it online in my blog that no one reads and you sing about it. Making yourself ridiculously famous while I just wallow in self pity." Someone may be having a bad night...