HE IS HOME!!!

     I am so excited! he is just as handsome as I remember!!! And just as funny! And just as sweet! And I am so nervous.... I don't know what to say... I feel like I'm 14 again and he is my first crush. Incidentally my first crush was a boy a year older than me who tended to work in the theater's set design department, wear leather jackets, and smoke clove cigarettes. I had a major crush on him for four years.... Back to Cliff... He is amazing. I can't believe he is actually home!!! And what do i do with myself now?!!? 

Coming Home

     As most of you know Cliff will be coming home on Monday. I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless actually. I'm painting my toenails because its pretty much the only thing about me that looks girly. I bite my fingernails far too badly to try and paint them. I'm chubby, my hair has gotten a little long and my roots have started to grow out. I haven't had time to work out so I haven't lost any weight since he left. I wanted to do so many things while he was gone. I wanted to impress him with how I looked when he got back. 


     Well, it looks like he'll be sadly disappointed with my progress. Or... I am sadly disappointed with my progress. He has never once said anything about me other than the fact that he thinks I'm gorgeous and he has troubles keeping his hands off me. So maybe I am being silly. Maybe I am being more than silly. I don't know! I just don't know anymore... I'm all sorts of worried that he's going to see me waiting in the airport and finally see all of the flaws that I see in myself and go "So.. I'm going to spend the Holidays at X instead of with you. It was fun, but I'm definitely over this." I'm pretty positive I would just kinda burst into tears then and not stop for hours..... 


     I've been cleaning the house all day, it looks pretty fantastic. Well, the front of it does. I still need to tackle my bedroom and the bathroom. Other than that, I've picked up and neatened things. Put things away. Organizing goes a long way considering I haven't been home to do more than eat and sleep in the past... two months. So other than scrubbing the bathroom and vacuuming my room the house is done. Which would be nicer, but now I have two more days to fill with things... And I can only waste so much time. I mean, I could study for finals, and I will be doing some of that tomorrow, but I feel like I'm going to go crazy before Monday night. 


     Seriously though, I'm going to be standing in the airport like an eager puppy and he's going to blow right past me. I just know it. I'm freaking out. 

ALL OF THE THINGS!!!

     I HAVE DONE ALL OF THE THINGS!!!!!! I had a list of things that needed accomplished by today for the entire week and they have ALL BEEN ACCOMPLISHED!!! I am amazing. I am so cool! I am super productive and I am an excellent cuddler. No, that last one has nothing to do with my list, but its true so I figured I would put it out there. 


     So this post is mostly just a "Yay for being productive" post. Actually.... Oh! No! One more thing! I GET TO PICK CLIFF UP ON MONDAY! That's right! I get snuggles ALL MONDAY NIGHT!!! *does the happy cuddle dance* And now that I've posted this I'm going to get a call Monday saying the Army has changed things and he's not coming at all... But! I can be hopeful that things will actually work out and I get my boyfriend back!! 


     Yep! That was it for tonight! 

Beauty and the Beast

     Beauty and the Beast has always been my favorite Disney movie. Its absolutely amazing and I've always wanted to be exactly like Belle. Evidently it was the first movie I ever saw in theaters and I sat through the whole thing. I can't say that I'm surprised. 


     Cliff bought my copy of the movie for me. We were shopping in... Costco? I have no idea what we were even there for. Bulk, obviously. Possibly seafood. I don't know, either way we were browsing in Costco and I saw that It was out for sale again. And I never splurge for myself. Not on things like this. Especially considering how expensive Disney movies tend to be. This is the nice, new two disc edition. I remember being so excited when he picked it up. He said he couldn't not get it after seeing my face. We watched it that night. I think we came home and turned it on immediately! I sat through the whole thing exactly like the first time. Something about it is magical. He laughed at me the whole time. I can quote the whole thing. 


     The way Belle is caring, kind, sweet, charming, and guileless is endearing. I wish I was more like that. More innocent and filled with wonder. Maybe I'm just longing for my childhood. I've got it on tonight because I finally finished my ANG project and I desperately needed a break. I also have tea brewing! The only thing that could make this better is cuddles. It looks like cuddles will have to wait until Monday. 

Sleeping

     I find that I'll get tired around 10 pm. I definitely have a bed-time! I wake up around 6 most days and going to bed around 10 gives me a nice 8 hours of sleep. I love sleeping. I don't love sleeping alone. I've finally figured out why my sleep schedule has been so strange recently. I'm going to bed alone. Its quiet and cold and dark. There is no reassuring touch, no warm snuggles, no breathing right next to me. I'm alone. Its so difficult to sleep now. Falling asleep is especially hard. I'll toss and turn, trying to get comfortable for hours sometimes. Waking up in the middle of the night to a silent, empty room is very disorienting. Waking up from a nightmare alone? Kinda terrible. Very terrible... 


     Its also not helping that I've discovered "Long Distance" by Bruno Mars Click Me to Listen! As if I wasn't aware of how alone I am, there is a song to detail what I'm going through. And its sung by the gorgeously talented Bruno Mars. I swear, I would date him just to have him sing to me on a daily basis. All I can think to myself is "Yes Bruno Mars, please sing to me about just how lonely and depressed I am. Thanks. If it wasn't bad enough before now I feel like a failure because I whine about it online in my blog that no one reads and you sing about it. Making yourself ridiculously famous while I just wallow in self pity." Someone may be having a bad night... 

Thanksgiving

     First off, I am so thankful for my incredibly dysfunctional but loving family. I'm not sure where I'd be without them. I really rely on my family for support. Second I love my friends to death. They complete me.  I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I have reach so much of my potential due to the experiences I've been able to have. I wouldn't change anything in my life. I have been blessed. 


     With all of that said, I would also like to share that I absolutely love my boyfriend. He is kind, caring, funny, sweet, thoughtful, silly, supportive, and one of the most ambitious men I've ever met. I've been through so much dealing with him being gone, adjusting to living without him, worrying about what's happening now that he's injured, trying not to be sucked in to drama, trying not to give up on my own ideals and decisions. I wouldn't change any of that either. Anything worth having is worth working hard for. I'm not afraid of hard work, I know that to continue a relationship most of it is going to be hard work. 


     I was woken up at 6 am on Thursday by Cliff. He got his phone for most of the morning! So we talked for most of the morning, between showering and cooking, we essentially talked as much as possible. Which amounted to about... 4 hours on the phone, give or take. It was great to hear his voice. To be able to just chat with him about normal things and get an instant response. It was like having him in the room with me! Which made Friday so hard. I felt like pieces of me were missing. Like I was standing alone in a crowd of people (which, considering I was in San Francisco on Black Friday, I kinda was). It was him leaving all over again. The highs and lows of dating an Army man are hard. 


     In good news, sort of, he's going to be back on December 5th for convalescent leave. So I'll have him for about a month! I'm excited about that! "Eight days and a wake-up" as he'd call it. 9 days by my count. Either way, I can't wait!!! 

I Love My Cat

     I know that many of you already know this, I talk about my cat like he's a person all the time, but I feel like he really deserves his own blog entry today. Why today? I have no idea. Its cold in my apartment because I still don't have the pilot light for the heater lit and I'm not going to bother doing that until I get back from Thanksgiving break. He's curled up right next to me, as close as he can get actually, and napping. I looked at him and realized that he has been more supportive than any of my friends or family. He stays up with me all night long when I can't sleep. He purrs and cuddles to keep me company. Every time I walk through my front door he runs to me, excited to see me again. He wants attention all day long, he's happiest curled up in my lap. I don't know what I would have done without him this past year. I have never met a person as loving, as devoted, as kind and caring as my cat. 


     I know that sounds strange, but think about it. Every person I have ever loved has disappointed me. My cat has not. Every person I have ever loved (and many people that I have not loved) spoke without thinking and hurt my feelings. My cat has never done this. In fact, he's got this strange 6th sense. Every time I cry in the apartment he knows. He takes it as a personal failure and insists upon climbing into my lap and purring as loud as he can to stop it. He sleeps with me every night. He is a constant and loving companion. How many of you can say that about your significant others? I can't. How many can say that about your parents? Not I. My friends have also failed in this capacity. So this blog entry is dedicated to my cat and the unwavering support I receive from him.