Lunch thought

     I'm sitting here watching Army Wives in between dishes and lunch cooking and a thought occurred to me. One of the women is a nurse, she meets a man who recently lost his legs. His girlfriend hasn't seen him like that yet. He's nervous and seeking reassurance. Which brought me to what I told Cliff about loosing limbs.

     What you may not know is that Cliff is obscenely ticklish. I can get him at any point in the day. Its really funny. I told him that if he ever lost his arms I'd tickle him until he peed! He looked at me and horror slowly creep across his face as he came to realize that I was serious. At that point I was giggling and saying something about tiny arm nubbins waiving as I tickled him. He refused to speak to me for about an hour. He also called me a bitch. I couldn't blame him for either of those. He's since forgiven me for that transgression. 

     Also, I don't mean to make light of amputees, that isn't my intention. This was just one of the funny moments in our relationship that I thought of while he is gone. 

My First Letter

     I got my first letter today! I had actually given up hope on getting a letter until sometime next week but couldn't go to bed without checking the mail. And there it was. 


     I suppose there should be some back-story to this. Hi guys! You should know me. If you don't know me, what the hell are you reading my blog for? I'm pretty damned boring. And a little bit offensive. Really, you should waste your time looking at funny pictures and videos of kittens. Who doesn't love kittens?


     As to why I'm finally blogging. After years of competent internet use and familiarizing myself with forums and instant messaging I finally feel like I have things to say that need stored somewhere so I can come back and look at them. So I can explore where I grew to, if I grew at all, if I regressed somehow, or if I'm just having a really bad day at the time. I am dating a really great guy. A guy who's honest and socially awkward. Someone I can depend on without doubt. Someone I can trust not to fail me. Someone who challenges me as much as he supports me. He also happens to be a member of the Armed Forces. The Army to be specific. 


     He left 11 days ago and I have been floundering. I have been lost in my own life trying to regain what it was like to be single, but not so single that I put off available vibes. Just enough single-ness to not get disoriented when I woke up alone in bed. Or turned to call out for a hand with making coffee in the morning (his was always so much better than mine). To not break into tears the moment I walk into the house and realize it is cold and empty and no one will answer me when I call out "I'm home." I have avoided coming home by staying late in class and while interning. I have called up my Grandma to keep me company for a few days so the house wouldn't be empty. I've begun having conversations with my cat (again) as if his meows were comprehendable. Honestly, most days I think they are. 


     I've written to Cliff every day that he has been gone. Letters filled with nonsense about classes, the cat, what I made for dinner, how I'm feeling at the moment, what I'm watching on tv, what book I'm reading. I'm filling the letters up like he's there, silently listening to me. Sitting right next to me on the couch, just unable to speak. The sad truth is, he's OSUT at Ft. Leonard Wood MO. He's approximately 2,000 miles away from me and I haven't even been able to send any of the letters I have written to him. I don't have an address to write to him yet because he didn't know which unit he was being assigned to. He got his address when assigned to a training unit in MO and I'm waiting on a letter from him before I can send him anything. 
     
     Tonight is special. Today I had very little motivation to do anything so I putzed around the house and cleaned up my bathroom and spent far too much time online looking at pictures of kittens. But I couldn't shake a nagging feeling that I should be doing something. Nothing filled the void. I wasn't hungry, not motivated to clean, didn't actually care that much about the kittens. Shocking, I know. But it took me all day, and another letter to Cliff before I figured it out.


     So I threw on a jacket and a pair of flip-flops and went out to check the mail. I knew there wasn't going to be anything in there. There never is. Its quite depressing. To my great surprise I recognized MY handwriting. I had self-addressed and stamped 14 envelopes and sent them off with Cliff when he shipped out. And there was an envelope that I knew. It was a letter. My first letter. Following closely on an impersonal, but much appreciated, 49 second phone call in which he read from a card and told me he loved me. The letter meant so much more. The letter was heartfelt and thought out. The letter was him. I could hear his voice speaking every word as I read it. It was having him home, his arms around me, talking softly in my ear again. 


     I laughed multiple times. Evidently he's been telling everyone about me (god only knows what he's been telling them....) and they're starting to get sick of him. He misses me. I sent him off with a picture of me and he sleeps with it every night. I haven't been able to sleep without his pillow since he left. I cried. I was over the moon that I got any sort of contact with him. The fact that it was a letter and it sounded like him made it so much better. 


     I immediately called my best friend, totally forgetting that PA is three hours ahead of CA in time zones and woke him up at 2 in the morning! Poor Vince. He had no idea what I was calling for. I realized what I had done when he answered the phone sounding like I had just shaken him awake. I apologized and promised to call him tomorrow to gush all about it. And then realized that no matter how long he and I talked about the letter and how much excitement we shared, it wouldn't be the same as writing down my excitement and feelings immediately. That led me here. With something to blog about. 


     For the first time in my 21 years I feel like I am doing something so worthy that it needs written about. And it feels damned good to be writing.