Beauty and the Beast

     Beauty and the Beast has always been my favorite Disney movie. Its absolutely amazing and I've always wanted to be exactly like Belle. Evidently it was the first movie I ever saw in theaters and I sat through the whole thing. I can't say that I'm surprised. 


     Cliff bought my copy of the movie for me. We were shopping in... Costco? I have no idea what we were even there for. Bulk, obviously. Possibly seafood. I don't know, either way we were browsing in Costco and I saw that It was out for sale again. And I never splurge for myself. Not on things like this. Especially considering how expensive Disney movies tend to be. This is the nice, new two disc edition. I remember being so excited when he picked it up. He said he couldn't not get it after seeing my face. We watched it that night. I think we came home and turned it on immediately! I sat through the whole thing exactly like the first time. Something about it is magical. He laughed at me the whole time. I can quote the whole thing. 


     The way Belle is caring, kind, sweet, charming, and guileless is endearing. I wish I was more like that. More innocent and filled with wonder. Maybe I'm just longing for my childhood. I've got it on tonight because I finally finished my ANG project and I desperately needed a break. I also have tea brewing! The only thing that could make this better is cuddles. It looks like cuddles will have to wait until Monday. 

Sleeping

     I find that I'll get tired around 10 pm. I definitely have a bed-time! I wake up around 6 most days and going to bed around 10 gives me a nice 8 hours of sleep. I love sleeping. I don't love sleeping alone. I've finally figured out why my sleep schedule has been so strange recently. I'm going to bed alone. Its quiet and cold and dark. There is no reassuring touch, no warm snuggles, no breathing right next to me. I'm alone. Its so difficult to sleep now. Falling asleep is especially hard. I'll toss and turn, trying to get comfortable for hours sometimes. Waking up in the middle of the night to a silent, empty room is very disorienting. Waking up from a nightmare alone? Kinda terrible. Very terrible... 


     Its also not helping that I've discovered "Long Distance" by Bruno Mars Click Me to Listen! As if I wasn't aware of how alone I am, there is a song to detail what I'm going through. And its sung by the gorgeously talented Bruno Mars. I swear, I would date him just to have him sing to me on a daily basis. All I can think to myself is "Yes Bruno Mars, please sing to me about just how lonely and depressed I am. Thanks. If it wasn't bad enough before now I feel like a failure because I whine about it online in my blog that no one reads and you sing about it. Making yourself ridiculously famous while I just wallow in self pity." Someone may be having a bad night... 

Thanksgiving

     First off, I am so thankful for my incredibly dysfunctional but loving family. I'm not sure where I'd be without them. I really rely on my family for support. Second I love my friends to death. They complete me.  I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I have reach so much of my potential due to the experiences I've been able to have. I wouldn't change anything in my life. I have been blessed. 


     With all of that said, I would also like to share that I absolutely love my boyfriend. He is kind, caring, funny, sweet, thoughtful, silly, supportive, and one of the most ambitious men I've ever met. I've been through so much dealing with him being gone, adjusting to living without him, worrying about what's happening now that he's injured, trying not to be sucked in to drama, trying not to give up on my own ideals and decisions. I wouldn't change any of that either. Anything worth having is worth working hard for. I'm not afraid of hard work, I know that to continue a relationship most of it is going to be hard work. 


     I was woken up at 6 am on Thursday by Cliff. He got his phone for most of the morning! So we talked for most of the morning, between showering and cooking, we essentially talked as much as possible. Which amounted to about... 4 hours on the phone, give or take. It was great to hear his voice. To be able to just chat with him about normal things and get an instant response. It was like having him in the room with me! Which made Friday so hard. I felt like pieces of me were missing. Like I was standing alone in a crowd of people (which, considering I was in San Francisco on Black Friday, I kinda was). It was him leaving all over again. The highs and lows of dating an Army man are hard. 


     In good news, sort of, he's going to be back on December 5th for convalescent leave. So I'll have him for about a month! I'm excited about that! "Eight days and a wake-up" as he'd call it. 9 days by my count. Either way, I can't wait!!! 

I Love My Cat

     I know that many of you already know this, I talk about my cat like he's a person all the time, but I feel like he really deserves his own blog entry today. Why today? I have no idea. Its cold in my apartment because I still don't have the pilot light for the heater lit and I'm not going to bother doing that until I get back from Thanksgiving break. He's curled up right next to me, as close as he can get actually, and napping. I looked at him and realized that he has been more supportive than any of my friends or family. He stays up with me all night long when I can't sleep. He purrs and cuddles to keep me company. Every time I walk through my front door he runs to me, excited to see me again. He wants attention all day long, he's happiest curled up in my lap. I don't know what I would have done without him this past year. I have never met a person as loving, as devoted, as kind and caring as my cat. 


     I know that sounds strange, but think about it. Every person I have ever loved has disappointed me. My cat has not. Every person I have ever loved (and many people that I have not loved) spoke without thinking and hurt my feelings. My cat has never done this. In fact, he's got this strange 6th sense. Every time I cry in the apartment he knows. He takes it as a personal failure and insists upon climbing into my lap and purring as loud as he can to stop it. He sleeps with me every night. He is a constant and loving companion. How many of you can say that about your significant others? I can't. How many can say that about your parents? Not I. My friends have also failed in this capacity. So this blog entry is dedicated to my cat and the unwavering support I receive from him.  

Productivity

     I realized this morning, as I'm sitting on the couch in my pjs, that I did absolutely nothing productive yesterday. Today needs to be different. I have laundry that needs done, dishes, homework, two midterms that need studied for. I also need to get money in the bank so I can pay bills next week. *sigh* 


     I have been in a really shitty funk the last week or so. Possibly longer than a week. Maybe two weeks... And I think enough is enough. I think no matter how much I worry and stress and obsess it isn't going to make anything better. So it looks like its laundry day! I happen to have a laundry day song. I may sing it today while I'm sorting. 


     I'm editing this at 6:18 pm to add: I have done the laundry! I have cleaned the gecko's tank! I have gotten him crickets! I have deposited checks into the bank! I have gone shopping for toiletries! I have sent out my PG&E bill! I have also read most of "Captain's Fury" by the lovely and talented Mr. Jim Butcher. I'm feeling pretty fucking awesome about today and how productive I've been! 

The Price of Entry

     I thought I knew the price of entry. He had signed up to join the Army before we were dating. I spent the entirety of our relationship wrapping my head around that idea. Coming to terms with being second at all times. Dealing with the fact that the chances of his death are significantly higher than a civilian job. I set myself up for all of this. I did research, I'm learning as much as I can, I'm coping with his absence as best as I can. And now things might be changing. Evidently he's suffering from stress fractures in his hips and talk of medical discharge has come up. 


     I had prepared for the price of entry of dating him. I had not prepared for him. he was talking about going to school, getting a degree of some sort. Don't misunderstand me, I am FULLY supportive of schooling and education, but I am not prepared to be in a relationship with someone just entering school. I'm graduating this Spring. I need to be entering the workforce after that to pay for college loans and bills. I can't tie myself to one place for four more years because I don't know where I'll manage to land a job. I prepared to date someone who was entering into a very dangerous career. I chose to date him because, despite his age, he was mature for his age. he had to grow up fast being in the foster system and being bounced around so much. And he was ready to start a career. He was joining the Army. Now all of that might change. And I don't know what to do anymore. 

6 Month Anniversary

     Happy six month anniversary to me. Today was shitty. I think I'm getting sick. I can't breath, my head has been achy all day, I can't get warm properly, I'm sore and tired. No word from Cliff today. No mail I should say. He's managed to call me twice since shipping out. My eyes burn. I'm calling it a night before I end up crying on the cat for the rest of the night. 


     Here's hoping tomorrow is better. 

One Day At A Time

     So yesterday's call had me all in a tizzy. I was confused, I was upset, I was rethinking everything. And then a good friend slapped me in the face and called me a drama queen. I needed that. He told me that I didn't have all the facts and was freaking out because the bf was freaking out. And ONE of us had to be calm and level headed. I.E. I needed to be calm and level headed. So I'm trying. I don't have all the facts, but I can't expect them immediately. Especially if the BF doesn't have all the facts and information. I need to calm down and take things one day at a time. Worrying won't do either of us any good. The Army is a hurry up and wait kind of bureaucracy. I need to do the waiting because obviously the bf is doing the hurry up portion. And my role is support at the moment. I knew he'd need support making it through BCT. How does this change anything? Wouldn't he need more support being injured in BCT? And if he needs time off to heal and then be recycled back in, so be it. This is his career choice, not mine. All I can do is offer advice when he asks and be supportive when he doesn't. 

Well Shit

     I got a call today, which was lovely, but he was upset. Every other word out of his mouth was fuck, and he was trying to explain to me what was going on with him. Evidently he's gotten stress fractures and he's (at, on, dealing with) the Med Board, or Med Bay. I'm not sure exactly. So I don't know whats going on. And I keep freaking out because I want to call him back and have him explain everything and obviously I can't. And evidently I got a call because he was supposed to be calling his mom to arrange travel to come home for Christmas exodus. I guess he "got that taken care of" and called me afterward. So I'm confused... And not clear on what is wrong with him, where it happened, what's going to happen with him and the Army. I've asked around on the sites where I'm learning things, some say it sounds like he's being medically discharged, some say he'll be given time to heal and then recycled back into training, some say not to worry about it at all... I just don't know. I'm very discouraged. 

Sundays

     Sundays always lead to Mondays. Mondays are my least favorite days of the week. They're the start of school weeks and work weeks. They exhaust me. 


     On an unrelated, and less whiny note, today is a much better day than yesterday. My Grandma came up again today, but even before that I was up early cleaning the house and bopping around online. I just felt better. I was in a much better frame of mind. I knew I had things to accomplish and I got almost all of them done. 


     Grandma took me to a movie tonight, we saw Tower Heist which was actually really funny. It had Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller. I rather enjoyed it. Now I'm watching Sucker Punch while doing homework and blogging. I'll be writing Cliff as soon as I'm done with this. Hopefully there will be a letter in my mailbox tomorrow. I'd really like to hear from him. Oh! And I have to stop by the UCD bookstore to look for anniversary cards! Our 6 month anniversary is on the 9th. Then I should pick up a Thanksgiving card. I love sending cards. They break up the monotony of letters. He got a Halloween card! It had a little cat on it. I thought he'd appreciate it. 

Bad Day

     Today was a bad day. This morning I woke up and realized that aside from errands I didn't have anything to do. I didn't have classes to attend, no horses to visit as an intern, nothing to do today but errands and a work shift. And then the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't want to be alone in the house today. I wanted Cliff to stumble out of the bedroom about an hour after I did and then cuddle me on the couch. Ask me what I had planned today. Offer to have dinner done when I got home. Pull out a blanket from the closet because its rainy and cold today. I wanted him to just be here so the house wasn't so cold and quiet and I wasn't so alone. 


     I had been doing so well when I was busy and had things to do during the day that I looked forward to. Once left to my own devices I crumbled. It happened so fast that I didn't even notice it. The letter I wrote him today was filled with sports statistics. Neither of us even watch sports. I didn't know what to say to him and I was so irritated but couldn't pin my finger on why. 


     Tomorrow will be better. Grandma Anna is coming up to stay with me until Tuesday. It'll be nice to have someone in the house. It'll be nice to have someone to talk to. But it doesn't fill that void that was left when he flew across the country. I can't hug him anymore, I can't walk into a room and see him smiling at me, there are no more kisses goodnight, no more rainy day movie marathons with popcorn and tea, no more joking around or tickling, no more laughing with him. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the room, no matter where we were and how I looked. Now I feel like I'm alone in a sea of faces most of the time. What do I do? How do I adjust? When does this get easier? When do I stop feeling like there is a wall of glass separating me from the rest of the world? 

Domestic Abuse

     Let me preface this by saying THIS IS NOT A CLIFF RELATED POST! He's never intentionally laid a finger on me. He did knee me in the face at one point because I pushed him off the bed, but that's what I get when I decide to rough-house with someone. I'm a klutz and end up accidentally smacking him either into something or with something on an every other day basis. So if there's abuse in our relationship, I'm the offender! 


     I'm watching Army Wives instead of attending Organic Chemistry because its been over two weeks since I've missed a class. Unfortunately, this episode happens to be on domestic violence. A couple recently moved into Post and he beats her on a semi-regular basis. She reaches out to one of the main characters after the MC responds to a 911 call about a "fall" at her house. The MC is a paramedic. 


     This is a touchy subject for many reasons. Some women are just as physically abusive as men and either hit right back or start the hitting. I feel like, if anyone ever hit me, I'd be unable to take the high road and walk away. I'd more than likely hit back. My mom didn't. She's much.... She's an incredibly sweet, soft, caring woman. So when her boyfriend, the father of three of her children, hit her, she took it. She was dating him, on and off, for... At least 5 years. I can't explain what she was thinking, why she decided to stay with him, or what exactly went on between them. I have very few memories of my life prior to about 4th grade. But there is this bone deep lingering feeling of fear and dread when I have to be in the same room as him. He happens to be the son of my Grandma, so I still see him occasionally at family functions. I'm not sure I'll ever shake that feeling. Considering how fearlessly I tend to rush out and meet adversity my dread is a little bit paralyzing. I avoid him at all costs. I never end up in a room alone with him. I rarely speak to him. 


     What I'm driving at is, if you or someone you know is dealing with domestic abuse, please get help. It doesn't stop on its own. Men who are willing to hit their girlfriends, their wives, their children aren't men at all. Only a coward would abuse a person they should be caring for. Unfortunately, the abused needs to take the first step. They have to admit that there is something wrong with being abused and reach out for help. So if you are that person, tell a friend, go to the police, whoever is hurting you isn't omnipotent. They won't be able to reach you from a jail cell. And if you know someone who's being abused, be a friend. Let them know its safe to tell you anything. Let them know that they'll be free of judgement, no matter how long this was going on. 


     On a completely unrelated side-note, I finally have an address!!!! I know I posted about this already, but I am still excited about it!!! 

Address

     So far I have been writing a letter every day, carefully folding it up, sealing the envelope, stamping it, and putting my return address on it. Then the letter is piled in the neat stack of about 15 I currently have at the house. NOT ANYMORE! Today I got two pieces of mail!!!! One was a letter from him and a packet that included all of Cliff's information, his address, what his training will include, etc. The other is a packet all about the exodus that occurs during Christmas. BOTTOM LINE BEING I HAVE AN ADDRESS!!!!!!


     I took the entire stack of letters and addressed them immediately. I have his address memorized now!!! It is going to be so nice to be able to write him and have him respond! To not just talk at him, but talk to him. Writing him letters satisfies my need for contact to a point, but the letters I get from him are invaluable. Its the back and forth that I crave on a regular basis. Seeing his handwriting, knowing that he held the paper I was holding and thought about the words that he wrote to me! 


     Now I need to scan both of the packets and email them to his mom. Gar... The adrenalin rush that took over when I saw the letters has wore me out. I think I'll hold off on accomplishing anything until tomorrow. Tonight I am going to curl up on the couch, wrap up in a fuzzy blanket, and re-read his letter and the informational packets until I fall asleep. 

     Today is a good day. I found that I was actually happy to be sitting in my 8 am organic chemistry class. Considering I hate organic chemistry I decided that I was just happy to be awake in the morning. It was a beautiful morning. I can't tell you the last time I was happy to be awake. Or happy that it was morning. I'm one of those people that love mornings. I love being up early enough to hear the birds signal the dawn! Its a glorious sound. A joyful, alive sound. 


     I have better new than that though! I was sitting in Animal Genetics, contemplating dinner, and I decided to make baked salmon and roasted red potatoes for dinner tonight. I AM COOKING. I AM IN THE MOOD TO COOK. This is groundbreaking! It has been 15 days since I have wanted to cook anything. I have skipped meals or snacked through them because I had no desire to cook anything for one. I have a salmon filet thawing on my counter right now. I am overjoyed that I want to cook again! I even baked fish sticks for lunch today! Woohoo!!!


     AND I wrote a to do list in my planner. I've even accomplished about half of it. Today is a good day. I feel like myself today. I feel alive today. Awake. Alert. Energetic. I feel like myself. I'm no longer following myself around the house berating myself in my own head for the lack of motivation and drive I've had the last two weeks. I AM RANDOMLY SMILING RIGHT NOW. Do you have any idea how long it has been since I just randomly smiled? Ages... Before Cliff left. Possibly before July... Its been a rough time for me, not just because of Cliff leaving. I've just been hard on myself and depressed for a while. I feel like wanting to cook dinner for myself is the first step in the right direction. Its going to be a hard road to walk, but I'm excited to get started. 

Holidays

     Halloween was spent sitting alone in my apartment, feeling sorry for myself, and texting a friend who was also  felt sorry for himself. I also had 6 hours of class and 3 hours of work. It was a less than stellar holiday. I'm starting to fear that almost all of my holidays are going to feel lonely. Cliff belongs to the Army for the next three years and the rest of his training. 


     I'm not sure whats going to happen after graduation. but I can't just follow him. I'll have to get a job, I've taken out student loans that need payed back. I'll need to make rent money and car insurance money... Things can't just be put on hold. I'm going to have to continue living my life while trying to keep him a part of it. 


     I think that's what I'm going to have trouble with. I know I can push on and find a job and take care of myself. I'm worried that in that I'll forget to make the time for him when he's available. I'm worried that I'll do such a good job pretending to be ok without him that I'll push him away simply because it hurts too much to yoyo him in my life. I desperately want him to be a part of my life but if he's in the Army that will always come first. And I'm still unsure as to how I'm going to balance being second in his life when he's asking me to put him first.