Holidays

     Halloween was spent sitting alone in my apartment, feeling sorry for myself, and texting a friend who was also  felt sorry for himself. I also had 6 hours of class and 3 hours of work. It was a less than stellar holiday. I'm starting to fear that almost all of my holidays are going to feel lonely. Cliff belongs to the Army for the next three years and the rest of his training. 


     I'm not sure whats going to happen after graduation. but I can't just follow him. I'll have to get a job, I've taken out student loans that need payed back. I'll need to make rent money and car insurance money... Things can't just be put on hold. I'm going to have to continue living my life while trying to keep him a part of it. 


     I think that's what I'm going to have trouble with. I know I can push on and find a job and take care of myself. I'm worried that in that I'll forget to make the time for him when he's available. I'm worried that I'll do such a good job pretending to be ok without him that I'll push him away simply because it hurts too much to yoyo him in my life. I desperately want him to be a part of my life but if he's in the Army that will always come first. And I'm still unsure as to how I'm going to balance being second in his life when he's asking me to put him first.