Bad Day

     Today was a bad day. This morning I woke up and realized that aside from errands I didn't have anything to do. I didn't have classes to attend, no horses to visit as an intern, nothing to do today but errands and a work shift. And then the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't want to be alone in the house today. I wanted Cliff to stumble out of the bedroom about an hour after I did and then cuddle me on the couch. Ask me what I had planned today. Offer to have dinner done when I got home. Pull out a blanket from the closet because its rainy and cold today. I wanted him to just be here so the house wasn't so cold and quiet and I wasn't so alone. 


     I had been doing so well when I was busy and had things to do during the day that I looked forward to. Once left to my own devices I crumbled. It happened so fast that I didn't even notice it. The letter I wrote him today was filled with sports statistics. Neither of us even watch sports. I didn't know what to say to him and I was so irritated but couldn't pin my finger on why. 


     Tomorrow will be better. Grandma Anna is coming up to stay with me until Tuesday. It'll be nice to have someone in the house. It'll be nice to have someone to talk to. But it doesn't fill that void that was left when he flew across the country. I can't hug him anymore, I can't walk into a room and see him smiling at me, there are no more kisses goodnight, no more rainy day movie marathons with popcorn and tea, no more joking around or tickling, no more laughing with him. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the room, no matter where we were and how I looked. Now I feel like I'm alone in a sea of faces most of the time. What do I do? How do I adjust? When does this get easier? When do I stop feeling like there is a wall of glass separating me from the rest of the world?